does he only come in a Volvo?

back where the cars decide
where the lame star limps an endless mile
have i gone too far inside my mind

oh if you were the one, would i even notice now my mind has gone?

see the people sitting over there

i want to kiss and touch them everywhere

things that once (and for a long time) seemed difficult come extraordinarily easily now. i've had an enormous amount of time to think about what i want in my life, currently, and what i could deal with keeping in the future. i wouldn't call what i did "making decisions", but rather letting things happen as they should. i've disposed of much, and of many, and because it makes the most sense in the world, i'm not sad. it's a new city, a different atmosphere in my life all around, and i need to be free of negativity, of judgmental minds, of people i cannot count on for anything. as it turns out, you don't need anyone's approval to get closure. you don't need "a big talk", you don't need to argue, and you certainly don't need their permission. too seldom have i taken advantage of my basic right, as a human being, to not call asshole "friend", or anything of the sort.

i'd rather spend my time marveling, and satisfying my every curiosity. this thing, this...this...insanity that is another human being that fits so perfectly, in my mind, in my heart, in and around my body...who smells like flora right out of God's backyard...who knows what to do and say even following my silence...whose shameless vulnerability makes him a superhero...whose confidence in me makes me doubt myself less and less...whose warm breath on my back i cannot sleep without...whose genuine interest in everything rivals and may exceed my own .........................who comes skipping down to my fortress and with a flick of his fingers, shatters every brick. and i emerge like a sleepy drunkard, and we leave skipping off like the past many years have taught us nothing. but they taught us everything. everything we needed to know up to now, AND THANK YOU, i suppose, all you assholes. i let him pass me by years ago, because i hadn't suffered enough, and it wasn't our time. i had a bit of time to gussy up my soul enough, to be good enough, and now i am.

lovely lovely lovely.
love love love .
you. you. you.

hopelessly, endlessly

missing's never felt so bad, yet so good at the same time. just knowing someone (not just anyone) is there, exists and fits so perfectly should be enough. i have to remember this and not be so selfish.

But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

d'avoir tant d'envies, moi j'ai un souffle au coeur

Oh philosophie
Dis-moi des élégies

sometimes, just sometimes, when i read some people's blogs, or Facebook/Myspace profiles, i see some things people write SUPPOSEDLY about themselves. clusterfuck mash-ups of contradicting clichés (often poorly written or even mis-spelled), and i want to comment, publicly, "YOU'RE FOOLIN' A WHOLE LOTTA NO ONE". like little children, reading the back sleeves of books, and claiming to have read them, using words they know not the meanings of, sloganeering things they might have heard their parents say... and for what? what does "seeming cool" entail? gaining credibility? from whom? so someone will fuck you? so some internet celebritard might think you're worth their time? stop taking pictures at those angles, we can tell if you're fat.

that's mean, i know.

but FAKING IT really boils my lobster.



A moitié pleine est l'amphore
C'est à moitié vide
Qu'on la voit sans effort

me me me.
my life's on hold. the verdict is pending on my fate. i should spend the waiting hours in a bubble bath, but life refuses to work that way. instead i crack my knuckles, repeatedly blink moisture back onto my eyes, grind my teeth because i'm back on coffee, question all the food that goes into my mouth, and wonder if i'll ever have enough money to upgrade my childish wardrobe. well, no, i do far more than that, i also daydream about my upcoming vacation, nightdream of sex, push pencils around ditzy harpies and assault my sense of compassion into becoming a vegetarian. in between said activities, i actively dream, day and night, of a better life. i imagine it full of literal sunshine. and puppies. lots and lots of puppies.

A moitié pleine est l'amphore
C'est à moitié vide
Que je la vois encore

i've not earned any of that yet.
in the meantime, however, i could do with sex.
call me.

am i joking? are you?

i've been lost i've been found i've been fooling around

I've been hold, I've been told, I've been changing my mind.

throughout the day, i'd swear i have a lot to say, but when i sit down to think i'm gonna write, i feel too tired. I MUST PUSH ON, and update my gibberish a little more often, even if it is just that.

i learned today that Sweden is the new Japan.

i'm also trying to un-learn some other shit. my outlook on most things, i reckon, will continue to be cynical, perhaps even mockingly so, but i'm trying to be fair. struggling to be, even. i believe that those who think that unrelated people in their lives may be conspiring to play cruel jokes on them...those people are generally referred to as paranoid schizophrenics. WHICH I AM NOT. i'm used to things and people being a certain way, maybe, and if something or someone displays even the slightest bit of awesomeness, i'm all THIS DOES NOT ADD UP.

if this is called living, well don't count me in
sure I feel alive, but it doesn't mean a thing, no nothing.

the chain of events when my heart peeks out of the iron bars, goes thusly:

WHEEE? ----- hrrrmmm ----- o rly? :) ----- O_o ------ *goes back in and triple locks the door.

but! terrorized heart be damned, i'm entirely too curious.
i'm gonna kill this cat.