this shit makes me emotional and forgiving and needing a hug, i reckon. c'mere! wait. i mean, not just anyone, yknow?

sometimes words are best thing we can give to other people.
that's what the stranger at the bus stop told Bette when she escaped from the silent buddhist retreat.

i've returned to my archives of faithful L-Word. which was going great, i gained more insight and everything. yeah yeah, from a tv show, go eff yourselves. but. i paused it 'cause i know this is the episode where Dana dies at the end, and Alice....god, Alice, in the hospital hallway, with the "you are my sunshine" flower and its incessant singing. it's too effective in breaking my heart. again.

but everything comes to an end. like this batch of sleeping aids that i gluttonously polished off, for the promise of one last baby's slumber before the next excruciating visit to the doctor's. excruciating...is me being a puss-puss who doesn't like answering so many questions. i will continue answering them the same. i might be an addict, with these shits anyways. i stopped taking them in september because they were making me forget. and for someone who would actually, no melodrama-intended, rather DIE than get stuck with Alzheimer's, i'm clearly pretty foolish. i get a new batch, and we look at each other for a few nights. like a staring duel. i say, "pppffff, i don't need you, you gloriously blue and deceptively small little....powdered solid of...WELL-DESERVED REST, FUCK YOU, COME BACK TO ME!" halfway through the bottle, regret and fear set in. "whattamy doin!" i test my sleepiness. can i do it without you tonight? i can if i'm sleeping with someone else. or with my dog. someone/something else's breathing relaxes me.

then later on, i see i have half the thing left. i can dabble. if it's 3am and i can't sleep, 5am will be too late to take them, unless i wanna sleep until 1! i got shit to do tomorrow, i'll just take it. until they're done.

they're done.
they are............done!

pardon my erratic disclosure, i'm a bit off the rails right now. and i can't even TELL if i've made typos, and i sure as shit am not re-reading this.

this.

i was only going to discuss the L-Word. i gotta go, Dana's gonna die in 40 minutes. will i still be awake?

what doyou think? will i delete this post tomorrow? i should leave it, to keep myself honest.

troublesome thought: i'll totally FORGET i wrote it.